Me, myself and everything else I am, satellising
Farrell Cox
Images: Farrell Cox
Have you ever felt like someone opened your brain and put it in an art gallery?
That’s how I felt watching Satelliser: a dance for the gallery, bright colours, curved shapes and loads of provocations. Instantly feeling balanced, maybe it was the novelty of seeing my first piece of live movement out of the global pandemic, or the queerness in the room.
To feel balanced in a space, what is that? Is that attainable for every space I'm in? Like many I’ve gone through many self reflections over the past years and months. Quite literally i’ve been off balance suffering from vertigo but in a metaphorical sense too in my soul. My work, relationships and my health in more ways than one have been disrupted.
But again, to feel balanced in a space? Is this me owning what I am?
Who am I?
The acceptance of allowing myself to unconsciously reel questions or words, ironically like this text I am writing. The fearlessness it takes just to be. I remember as soon as I walked into the space, it was without thinking that my body kind of went ahead of me and started mirroring the dancers. Then the self esteem, shame and embarrassment kicked in- ‘I’m in an art gallery?!’ people can see me. Why was that? why? What will they judge me on, my joy? Or my blackness?
My blackness will always come first, not my joy, my comfort or my dreams. I’m comfortable with my blackness and what black means to me.I just wish others saw me for me and everything else I am. People evolve and change, language changes, identity changes, we grow, we shape, discover and learn constantly and we can’t block that.
Everything else I am:
Queer
With scoliosis, a leg discrepancy and chronic pain,
A few mental health things and most likely dyslexia
And finally, a massive work in progress...
But I come back to being balanced in a space. I don’t think people have to have the same lived experience as me, even though that may help, for general understanding and not having to explain yourself in situations.
I think being in this gallery where people looked visibly queer if that’s a thing and one of the dancers talking about queerness that brought me comfort, euphoria even. It’s the type of euphoria that comes with seeing another queer person in public. The only way I can describe that euphoria is like a 90s toy- it was called bumpy ball. This ball was brightly coloured with multicoloured spikes and it bounced.That’s how my insides felt.
I orbited the space seeing people cross stitch and how the movement varies from performer to performer. Also looking at each performer and audience trying to imagine what they were thinking. This young child was running up and down absolutely carefree and present in the moment and completely disrupted the norms of performer and spectator rules. Love it! It brought giggles to the room but then I remember sitting down and one of the dancers talking about neurodiversity. A topic and talking point which has become so present in my personal and professional life recently. I remember nodding and one of the dancers commenting on my body language.That moment felt so intimate and I don’t know if I was searching for an answer or because conversations around neurodiversity are so important to me. My brain just instantly zooms in but that bought some balance. I don’t know if it’s to do with confirmation of thoughts and feelings...
Balance?
I think I'm still figuring out my own question, maybe the language for what it is hasn’t been developed but what I do know for sure and that I take away from satellising we need to keep learning and discovering.
The dancers did this move in which they looked between their legs. I interpret it as looking at things from a different angle and I invite everyone to always approach things from a different angle.
Image: Genevieve Reeves. Satelliser coworkers in rehearsal at BALTIC CCA 2021.
Image: Sylvia Hong
Farrell Cox (she/they)
Farrell Cox is a black British physical actress, aerialist and theatre maker. Training at Dell Arte International, East15 Acting School and with renowned clown Philippe Gaulier. Performing nationally and internationally Farrell has worked as a performer and deviser.
As a performer Farrell uses versatility as a dancer, clown and aerialist to captivate the audience. Bringing lightness and humour into her work and enthusiasm to explore a variety of narratives using physical theatre. Farrell’s aim is always to tell the truth within a narrative, not shy away from the harrowing parts but allow the lightness and humour to be brought forward. Creating performance excites her as a form of representation to encourage others and she is very passionate about access and wellbeing for audiences and creative teams.